A Caller Fumes Over Caller Tunes

I don’t know what’s with cellular phone service providers these days! Seems like they are bent on scaring their existing subscribers away. I’m like running fever big time when I get a call from this Bengali speaking woman. After my numerous attempts to make her understand that I do not understand Bengali, she finally sees the light.

She then asks me, “Do you understand Hindi?”
“Uh-huh, a lil,” I tell her. Big mistake!

Like an athlete reacting promptly to the whistle of the referee, she launches into a verbal marathon in Hindi where she tells me she’s from Hutch and I’m one of the ‘lucky’ subscribers ‘selected’ to avail of a limited time discount on ‘caller tunes’. Okay, first thing, I find caller tunes pretty irritating. Try as I might, I fail to understand why the hell should I pay anything to torture my friends with sorry half-assed renditions of so-called popular songs every time they call up! I wouldn’t even download it even if it came absolutely free. Besides, I do not appreciate tele-pushers. Plus I cannot be sure if she’s the real deal.

I say ‘thanks but I’m not interested’ and hang up.

My phone rings again. It’s the caller tunes lady again. While it’s apparent that my command over Hindi is not exactly enviable, it seems the lady pusher here had somehow managed to skip all her English classes in school. So while I try to make her understand that I’m simply not interested in the ‘offer’, she doggedly continues enlightening the ignorant me what a caller tune is for something like 10 minutes.

Exasperated, I say: “Look lady, I know what a caller tune is but I don’t want it.”
She says (in English): “No, no, caller tunes. Caller tunes, you understand?”
I say: “Yes, I understand perfectly well what a caller tune is. I just don’t want it.”
She insists: “No, caller tunes, caller tunes. Big discount!”

I try taking deep breaths. It doesn’t help. I bang my head against my bedroom wall. My forehead hurts but it still does nothing to improve the situation. I put in everything I got not to give into that urge to holler!

Quite certain that it’s no use wasting her energy on explaining what a caller tune is to the dumb me, she then quite sternly demands to know my name and how much talktime I got left on my phone. Hullo! Since when did service providers start gathering info on their own subscribers over the phone? Even though at my wits end, I calmly tell this lady peddler that I would prefer not to give that kinda information over the phone, especially when I have no way of ascertaining if she actually is who she claims to be. She does not understand a fucking word I say.

After another 10 minutes of me trying to make her understand that I don’t want to download caller tunes on my phone, she lets out a big sigh (you know the kind that says “Okay dumbass, I’ve had it with you and your stupidity”!) and says the magic word I’ve been dying to hear – “Okay”. Though I’m not exactly sure what that okay means – it could be “okay, I understand you are not interested in the offer” or “okay, forget I even called”. But this I am dead certain of, she is tired of her attempts to beat some sense into, what she thinks, my thick skull and wants to end the conversation. God in heaven be praised!

In retrospect, I can laugh at the incident. But it was no laughing matter for me yesterday when I was being made to go through something that was no less than torture by that stupid, condescending bitch! Already we subscribers are being made to pay through our noses even for basic services and we can do without further harassment. If mobile connectivity means this, I’d rather remain immobile and be spared the harassment.

- NICO -