A Caller Fumes Over Caller Tunes

I don’t know what’s with cellular phone service providers these days! Seems like they are bent on scaring their existing subscribers away. I’m like running fever big time when I get a call from this Bengali speaking woman. After my numerous attempts to make her understand that I do not understand Bengali, she finally sees the light.

She then asks me, “Do you understand Hindi?”
“Uh-huh, a lil,” I tell her. Big mistake!

Like an athlete reacting promptly to the whistle of the referee, she launches into a verbal marathon in Hindi where she tells me she’s from Hutch and I’m one of the ‘lucky’ subscribers ‘selected’ to avail of a limited time discount on ‘caller tunes’. Okay, first thing, I find caller tunes pretty irritating. Try as I might, I fail to understand why the hell should I pay anything to torture my friends with sorry half-assed renditions of so-called popular songs every time they call up! I wouldn’t even download it even if it came absolutely free. Besides, I do not appreciate tele-pushers. Plus I cannot be sure if she’s the real deal.

I say ‘thanks but I’m not interested’ and hang up.

My phone rings again. It’s the caller tunes lady again. While it’s apparent that my command over Hindi is not exactly enviable, it seems the lady pusher here had somehow managed to skip all her English classes in school. So while I try to make her understand that I’m simply not interested in the ‘offer’, she doggedly continues enlightening the ignorant me what a caller tune is for something like 10 minutes.

Exasperated, I say: “Look lady, I know what a caller tune is but I don’t want it.”
She says (in English): “No, no, caller tunes. Caller tunes, you understand?”
I say: “Yes, I understand perfectly well what a caller tune is. I just don’t want it.”
She insists: “No, caller tunes, caller tunes. Big discount!”

I try taking deep breaths. It doesn’t help. I bang my head against my bedroom wall. My forehead hurts but it still does nothing to improve the situation. I put in everything I got not to give into that urge to holler!

Quite certain that it’s no use wasting her energy on explaining what a caller tune is to the dumb me, she then quite sternly demands to know my name and how much talktime I got left on my phone. Hullo! Since when did service providers start gathering info on their own subscribers over the phone? Even though at my wits end, I calmly tell this lady peddler that I would prefer not to give that kinda information over the phone, especially when I have no way of ascertaining if she actually is who she claims to be. She does not understand a fucking word I say.

After another 10 minutes of me trying to make her understand that I don’t want to download caller tunes on my phone, she lets out a big sigh (you know the kind that says “Okay dumbass, I’ve had it with you and your stupidity”!) and says the magic word I’ve been dying to hear – “Okay”. Though I’m not exactly sure what that okay means – it could be “okay, I understand you are not interested in the offer” or “okay, forget I even called”. But this I am dead certain of, she is tired of her attempts to beat some sense into, what she thinks, my thick skull and wants to end the conversation. God in heaven be praised!

In retrospect, I can laugh at the incident. But it was no laughing matter for me yesterday when I was being made to go through something that was no less than torture by that stupid, condescending bitch! Already we subscribers are being made to pay through our noses even for basic services and we can do without further harassment. If mobile connectivity means this, I’d rather remain immobile and be spared the harassment.

- NICO -

This Doesn’t Smells like Teen Spirit!

All apologies to late Kurt Cobain

GANGTOK, 10.15 PM
The Madman says “Nico you are too anti-establishment”. Hell, I’m anti-everything that does not seem or smell right. Whoever coined the phrase ‘shop till you drop’ (and I bet my skinny ass it was a woman and a shopaholic at that) should be made to shop at Lall Bazaar, y’know that car park turned Sabzi Mandi, to understand the full and literal implication of the phrase she unwittingly gave such a rosy tint to.

SHOPPING HORRORS: I hate shopping, any kind of shopping. Yes, even those involving clothes. And a reluctant ‘trip’ to Lall Bazaar today has done little to help me change the way I feel about this particular activity. You know what, somebody should put up a massive signboard right at the Lall Bazaar entry point: ‘ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE’. An hour long shopping with my mom in this cluttered inferno of vegetable stalls has convinced me that this is surely a glimpse of hell on earth. Trust me, I’m reeling from after-effects.

WAR WITHIN A BREATH: The first thing that hits you is that curious smell of vegetables in various stages of decay, dried fish, spices, fermented soybean and god knows what else. Add dragon breaths and smelly perspiring armpits to complete the picture. Welcome to the war zone. The moment you enter, your eyes sting, your nostrils and throat burn and you go on a coughing fit. With one hand you feebly try to cover your nose and with the other wipe tears off your eyes. Is this one of the infamous gas chambers used by the Nazis during WW II?

CALM LIKE A BOMB: Just when you think you have finally acclimatised yourself, they drop the F-Bomb. This Fart Bomb, or Weapon-F if you please, is a very potent assault weapon. It can immediately disorient the victim or, as observed in some cases, hit the pause button of his / her brain seconds after the bomb is launched. It can hit you anywhere, anytime without the slightest of provocation.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY: Be paranoid. Be very paranoid. You never know that harmless looking lady over the corner or that ruggedly handsome chap at the fruit stall could be your potential enemy. It’s a real test of patience out there. Plus it’s essential you learn the ‘moves’, especially those that involve dodging porters with 12 cartons of whatever on their heads or the lady / gent with a loaded shopping bag without losing your balance and your belongings. You cannot trust them not to thump you on your head, back or wherever with their cartons, bags, elbows or whatever. Because everyone thinks they need to be somewhere [wherever that might be] before anyone else, get their greedy hands on the best goodies before anyone else, get out of the inferno before anyone else and get home before everyone else. It’s a selfish world out there and Lall Bazaar brings out the worst in all of us.

Oh, by the way, there’s still this tingling sensation in my assailed-beyond-imagination nostrils and my throat is itchy. Damn!

- NICO -
AIZAWL: Whoever told you that this land is free is your enemy...all of which are our dreams all of which are our dreams...Been stayin in my world for too long for me to post such aforesaid stories from Gangtok. Here there was a bank strike for a week and I was hung dry...got really drunk for no aparent reasons every night except this night,by the way Alcohol is prohibitted here in Aizawl...So who's laughing now...Will post more when words comes to me...Nico my condolences again...Striking out THE MADMAN

SHAKEN, NOT YET STIRRED

GANGTOK: Who do you blame when you are feeling fucked up? The government, of course! That was a lame attempt at making light of our shaky foundations, literally or otherwise. I’m disgusted with the poor joke that our government is. Compared to this bunch of morons – who are assisted by another set of useless bureaucratic imbeciles – at the helm, the feline population seems to have a much better upbringing. At least the cats make attempts at covering up after they crap; these jokers can’t even be bothered to do that.

The recent earthquake in Sikkim did shake up a lot of local people. Hell, it even roused our lazy butts out of bed early morning and made us go checking for cracks and damages to our precious properties, and carry out necessary repair / strengthening works. The quake, apparently, had a particular liking for government buildings. Otherwise why would it shake government establishments with a lot more vigour? Well, most of the damaged structures are government establishments, aren’t they? Unfortunately, the tremor estimated 5.7 on the Richter Scale did little to shake the government out of its lethargy. Some quick governmental / bureaucratic visits to the affected areas, preparation of damage estimate and fax petition for natural calamity funds to the Centre – that’s it.

So what more do you expect, you ask. Well, for starters, I expect newly made governmental buildings and other structures not to start cracking before they are actually inaugurated. What am I talking about? Our sparkling new Khangchendzonga Shopping Plaza. Oh wait, now it’s called Lall Bazaar Shopping Plaza. Or has it been renamed again?

No matter how many times the government changes the name of that new shopping centre in the name of preserving Sikkimese heritage, they cannot change the fact that this particular ‘heritage’ is kinda cracked up. I wonder if anyone remembers but a local English daily had reported some years ago that cracks were already developing around this structure while the construction work was still on. But they hushed it up real quick. Thanks to the recent earthquake, the cracks were exposed (even before the plaza could be inaugurated) and so were the official lies.

I mean you gotta give it to them for consistently screwing up. First, they ‘miscalculate’ and construct inadequate number of shops, and now this! Cracks, and wide gaping ones at that, and those MOFOs try to convince us “they are just superficial cracks”. Yeah right. Superficial development, superficial cracks. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

Another to make it to the ‘Recently Made But Already Cracked’ list is our ‘ultra modern’ Paljor Stadium. Inaugurated late last year by none other than President Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam himself, the stadium has an interesting construction history of its own. This one takes the cake hands down for its delays in completion of renovation / reconstruction, numerous re-estimates of the financial kind and their subsequent departmental sanctions.

Conduct departmental enquiries into these matters? Why bother?

Gangtok, the capital town of this state touted as ‘perfect tourism destination’. Gangtok, a town abounding in oxymoron. You don’t have to go too far; just take a walk to the ‘View Point’ at Nam Nang, just close to the Sikkim Legislative Assembly building, which incidentally is another government structure on the cracked list, and come face to face with what the state is serving the tourists in the name of ‘breathtaking views’. Broken footpaths that refuse to take the visitors to the ‘promised land’. Urban Development Department, if you are serious about the tag of development you carry around, the least you can do is repair the footpaths around, what you call, ‘places of tourist interest’, if you can’t construct sturdy ones in the first place!

It’s a real pity, my dear government, that there are no crack creams or anti-wrinkle serums to cover up the mess you have created in the name of development. But why worry when you are bold enough to let it all hang out… and that too quite unapologetically.

- NICO -
ENTER THE MADMAN
AIZ: Since I have nothing much new to say abt the govt, I am gonna tell you story abt bloopers by ministers while delivering their speech...

1. " I like your programme , AIDS without education"

2. "I Wanna Congragruch you ...sorry..I wanna congralutate you in our success.."

3. "We are underdeveloping this bridge...."

I will post more when I can recall them...all of those that I know...Hold on.